The Annotated Ankle Biter

I understand that making a toy educational is theoretically a good thing, but I remember when the only educational advantage I had during any given day was an adult who was trying to teach me something. The benefit of that being that if I started to learn the wrong thing, they could correct me and gently coach me back to the correct path.

I don’t know a single adult in the world who actually wants to spend time watching or playing with all of their kid’s toys in advance to make sure there aren’t secret satanic messages stitched into the lining. Generally speaking, I just take it for granted that the CBC does not fund the Doodlebops to promote kicking puppies or whatever. But to be honest, I don’t really know because after one episode it was simply good enough for me that the monster boy was entranced and therefore not attacking the DVD player.

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I have never met a parent in my life who did not at some point or another make this claim: “I never had as many toys as my son/daughter!”

I wasn’t sure what the point of the statement was. I didn’t know whether it meant ‘I’m going to spoil the kid rotten in order to avoid having to deal with more subtle displays of affection’, or ‘damn I’m rich.’

Now that I have a child, I can decode the real meaning after having caught myself uttering that mysterious phrase—a sure sign of entry into the club of slightly freaked out parents. I too, without an ounce of irony declared: “I never had as many toys as my son!”

As I heard myself say it, I finally understood the actual translation; it really means, “How can the same parents, who assured me over multiple Christmases that clothing was a decent present, now shower my child with colourful plush or plastic items which seem to have no other function than to drive me entirely mad?”

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